Loving After Abuse: Is it possible?

Understanding How Abuse Impacts Your Ability to Love

For many survivors, love doesn’t come easy after abuse. It’s not because we don’t want to love, but because the very meaning of love has been twisted and wounded. As the founder of Women of Refined Gold, Inc., I know this reality well. I lived through years of abuse that left me questioning myself, questioning others, and even questioning whether I deserved love at all.

When I finally broke free, I had to face a hard truth: the abuse had impacted not only how I saw relationships but also how I loved my own children. I wanted to show them love freely, but at first, even saying “I love you” felt heavy, almost like it was something unsafe or that could be used against me. Step by step, I am still learning how to speak the words “I love you” without shame, to give hugs without hesitation, and to remind my daughters that love is not abuse, love is not control, and love is not pain.

For a long time, I had a love-hate relationship with those words. Sometimes I wished people wouldn’t even say “I love you” to me, because I struggled so much with believing it. In my mind, if they never said it, then I wouldn’t have to wrestle with the weight of it or the fear that it wasn’t real.

Not only saying “I love you” to my children was impacted, but also with my family, friends, and even church members. It always felt strange on my tongue. To this day, my sister will say, “I love you, Trice,” and I’ll respond with, “Don’t start.” It took a few tries before I could say it back, because love had been violated in my past.

That healing journey is why WORG exists today. I took my pain and began working to turn it into purpose—not just for myself, but for every woman who has walked through the same darkness and is now searching for light. My story is one of thousands, but it’s proof that even when abuse leaves you shattered, you can piece yourself back together and rediscover love in a healthy way.

Signs That Abuse Affects Love and Relationships

• Walls go up fast. Survivors often build protective walls because letting anyone too close feels unsafe.

• Trust takes time. Even small promises being broken can bring back old memories of betrayal.

• Affection can feel confusing. A hug, a touch, or even a compliment may trigger past pain instead of comfort.

• Fear of abandonment. After being hurt, it’s easy to believe everyone will eventually leave.

• Second-guessing yourself. Survivors sometimes question if they’re “enough” or deserving of love.

  
  

Tips to Overcome and Relearn Love

Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but these steps can help survivors (and the people who love them) move forward:

1. Talk openly. Be honest about triggers and boundaries. A healthy partner or friend will respect them.

2. Take baby steps. Don’t pressure yourself to love big all at once. Allow love to grow slowly and naturally.

3. Self-love first. The way you love yourself sets the tone for how you allow others to love you.

4. Redefine what love looks like. Healthy love is patient, kind, and safe—not controlling or painful.

5. Seek support. Whether it’s therapy, a support group, or trusted friends, healing is easier when you don’t walk alone.

6. Celebrate progress. Every time you let someone in a little more, trust yourself a little deeper, or show kindness to yourself—it counts.

Final Note from Founder

Abuse may have left scars, but those scars tell a story of survival—not defeat. Love after abuse is possible. It may look different, and it may take time, but step by step, you can learn to love again without fear.

At Women of Refined Gold, Inc., we believe survivors deserve not just to survive—but to thrive in love, life, and purpose. If you would like to be a part of the WORG Sister Circle, a safe space for women to connect, heal, and grow together, reach out to us. We’d love to walk this journey with you.